Had my second rebirthing session last night, and again, it was powerful.  Our discussion about familiar relationship issues and birth events left me with a raft load of questions for Mom.

During our discussion, D. became perhaps the first person I’ve ever told anything close to the full truth about what happened between William S. and I.  I’ve slowly come to recognize our relationship as death affirming and William’s relationship to me as abusive and manipulative.  I don’t think I have ever told anyone else precisely that.  We began to explore the relationship between that abusive interaction and my more recent intimacy issues.

During my breathing session, there came a moment where I pulled the sheet over my head and began to breathe faster and more frantically.  Eventually, D. pulled the sheet down gently and asked what was going on.  (This was during a song called, “Deeper Peace.”)  When he pulled the sheet down, I was in a place where I felt ever so much like crying, and I told him so.

D. said, “It’s okay to cry — it’s okay to feel — to feel what you’re feeling.”

Then I started to cry, hard wracking sobs I couldn’t control.

D. asked me what was going on, and I said that I felt like hiding.

He asked why, and I said, “because I want to die,” which was what came to my lips unbidden.

D. asked why I wanted to die, and I choked out the words, in a voice so anguished and tiny he had to ask me to repeat them: “because I’m no good,” an admission he termed the “death urge.”  While I cried, the music continued in the background, the woman now singing something like, “you’re a joy and a miracle.”

Later, we talked about my long-running, deep-seated sadness that somehow I”deserve” to get AIDS and die because I’m gay — which in retrospect is utterly untrue and unnecessary — a true death urge.

According to D., death is a thought like any other.  If we weren’t “programmed” (socially) to expect death, we wouldn’t have to experience it, in D.’s estimation.  I brought in Dean’s conviction that “every unloving thought is toxic.”  D. contended that those who convince themselves that they will die at 54 “just like their parents did” will often find themselves doing just that, where as those who expect to live longer often do as well.

3 July 2000 Monday ~8:15 am



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