Last night, I tossed and turned, plagued by a looped and disturbing dream.

Last night, I tossed and turned, plagued by a looped and disturbing dream.

I was in an airport with H and a bunch of faeries.  We were going on a trip.  At perhaps the last moment, I got tired of waiting to leave and decided to run to the bathroom.

Of course when I came back everyone, including H, was gone, as was seemingly my luggage.  Frantically, I tried to call H on his cell phone.  At first I couldn’t get through, then I got him and he said, “No, of course I didn’t get your luggage.  Where did you leave it?”

I said, “I thought I left it with you when I went to the bathroom.”

He responded, “Well, I didn’t pick it up.  You must have left it somewhere.”

Then I hung up with him and went back to looking for my luggage.

When I finally made it to the place where H had said they’d be, they were gone again.  This time I couldn’t get through to H at all.

When I finally made it to the train or plane or whatever we were all supposed to take, having given up entirely on my luggage, I could find seemingly everyone but H.

This went on for a while, with events repeating and looping back on each other in the most disconcerting fashion.  I tossed and turned fitfully, waking often between segments of dream.  It was really quite frustrating until I finally had my “aha” moment.

I awoke suddenly with the realization that a little part of me was more comfortable when H was totally dependent on me because then he was controllable in a sense that he is no longer.  Now that H makes almost more money a week than I do, he can decide to go to gatherings alone and stay longer than I can afford to.  He can afford to go to Burning Man even though I cannot.  He is still sexually voracious and successful in a way that I have never been.

His new-found independence scares me just a bit.  Here’s where it gets interesting, though.

Remember that luggage?

I had gotten so used to carrying the load that I missed it when it was gone.

His independence sets me free as well.  I just haven’t quite realized it yet.  I get to save a bit more, pay off my debt, and move forward with my dreams too.

Then I realized that H and I had slept thus far on opposite sides of the bed.  I rolled over, found his legs with mine, and slept soundly for the first time that night.

7May 05


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